So You Want to Go Hiking

 Hi there!

Been a while, friends! It's been hard to be creative since, well, March. It's been hard enough to finish fun little fictional, breezy, poppy novels let alone intelligent and in-depth nonfiction works. If simply reading books has been a challenge, given "all this," then even simple acts of writing have been a wall the likes of, well:

Reading books is like...

We've all had some pretty grand plans about what we're certainly gonna do during our pandemic break, and for the most part - I'll venture a guess and say like 85% - they haven't gotten off the ground. And folks I get it: it's stress. It's fun to fantasize about that kitchen project or the hobby you've wanted to take up, but then it dawns on you that it's work. And then, speaking of work:

Work is like...

But there's one thing we have taken advantage of: the great outdoors. We all see glowing reports of how many of our neighbors whom we swore never actually existed out for walks with dogs we never knew about (but always heard for god sake). Our sidewalks and public parks are actually more full because good lord in a shoebox, if I have to look at my 4 walls for one more second I'm going to cry for a month.

Well don't cry, friends! I've received some wildly fun responses to the camping and hiking trips my boys and I take - the ultimate, really, in social distancing vacations - and one of the most common:

"I want to hike-and-camp like that! Sleeping in the dirt with no shower and eating freeze-dried food sounds amazing! Limited access to fresh water?? Where do I start?"

Welcome, interested friends, to:

Noah's Unofficial Guide to Probably Not Dying in the Backcountry!

You've taken walks in the park. Heck, you've taken longer walks in the wild, maybe even with a day-pack with water and snacks or a fun little pick-inick basket! But now you want to take the next step: you want to hike and eat and sleep in the woods! Oh, friends, what a rewarding way to see nature!

In the interest of keeping your attention, I won't write the single longest and most boring post ever** on the entire topic of "what gear do I need to sleep in the dirt and not die or barf or get killed by squirrels." Instead, my plan to keep you all barely engaged and to feed my ego is to write several much shorter, boring posts on topics around not dying by squirrel or tainted water and the like.

So let's start with the thing you fill with things to not die:

Packs!

The point: you're willing to walk several miles a day with lots of stuff on your back. You've agreed that sometimes you can leave the car behind, and comfort, and mattresses, and regular food, and stoves, and grills, and blankies, and styling products, and...you get the point.  All of what you are eating and sleeping-in and wearing and not-dying with needs to go in a vessel. And look, I served 8 years in our Glorious United States Marine Corps. Our packs, when I was enlisted a hundred years ago, and I mean just  the pack without all the stuff in it, was damn near heavier than a packed-pack for a week on the trail now-a-days. For water, we carried nearly-inaccessible canteens suspended on an uncomfortable web belts, the purpose of which was to slowly, over 20+ miles, dig and cut gashes in your hips. Everything about nature walks in the military was about misery and endurance (and I loved it). But good news, friends! Nature walks for you and I now are about enjoying your surroundings, not fighting them!

She has the wrong-sized pack for her

So you need a pack. A proper pack, with all the straps and hooks and zippers that looks very pack-y and hiker-ish. 

Now, I'm a total sucker for Osprey's products. I love their packs, I love how they pack, I love how they fit.The problem is there are so many great packs out there, like Granite Gear, REI, Arc'teryx, and on. But since you're coming here for advice, my advice is Osprey. All of their packs, from 20-liter day-packs to giant 70-liter heavy haulers are affordable, loaded with neat little this's and thats, durable as hell, and comfy. It's like...everything is just where it needs to be.

Their online store is great, but honestly, get to a good camping store like Moosejaw, because the staff will help you fit your pack. I can't say enough how critical it is to really have some help getting a pack set up just right for your body. And Osprey packs have adjustable hip belts, shoulder harnesses, and even a huge adjustable back-panel to stretch or shrink the harness system to custom-fit your torso so it can fit the whole range of body sizes, be you elf-shaped, half-orc-shaped, gnomish, or just regular old human.

Noah's Mildly-Accurate Guide to Pack Volume

Samwise Gamgee, modeling the Osprey Mordor 36

Packs in the 18 - 24-liter range: day packs. Just enough room for some food, water, jacket or rain gear, and even a small camp stove (we'll get into gear in another future episode) if you'll be out long enough to need a meal. Don't try to cram 2+ days'worth of crap in a 22-liter pack. Unless you want to learn all that "ultralight" stuff, which I don't. I was a Boy Scout, so I over-pack. My pack here: Osprey Talon 22. My boys all carry Talons on day hikes too.

Packs in the 30- to 40-liter range: light overnight pack. Maybe 1 night on the trail with light gear, or you're going from one cabin or shelter to another. Clothes for a couple days, food for a couple days, emergency junk, this pack works awesome. I don't have a pack in this range but my boys do, and here's a special note: women's packs in this range actually fit my pre-teen boys perfectly (shorter torso, narrower shoulders), and they haul Osprey Manta 36's. (link is to the Men's 34; Women's 36 is not online, but in stores)

Packs in the 50+ range: multiple-day backpacking (alone for a week or so, or with a group for 3 or 4 days), or backpacking with younger kids who can't carry as much weight so you have to be their Sherpa. My oldest (15 years old) hauls an Osprey Kestrel 48 (I rounded-up to 50); I haul an Osprey Aether 70.

And Finally...

A note on fit:

• 

  waist belt is way off
  

  
  your hip belt should be snug on your hip. Above it? No. Below it? Never. Like, right on it so part of the belt is above the bone and part of the belt is on the bone? Yeah. That. Work it it Wiggle around. Get a feel.
• Your shoulder straps are there to keep the pack on you. They should not be putting much weight on your shoulders, or you'll do terrible stuff to your back. Most of the weight should be on your

  

  Bad shoulder straps, and a bird, because hiking
  

  
  hips and legs.
• There's a little chest strap that connects the two shoulder straps across your chest. Use it. It magically relieves strain on your shoulders, by magic.
• Your shoulder straps have 2 sets of adjustment straps; this means your straps...also have straps.
• The lower ones make your shoulder straps tight to your shoulders and back. Snug...not tight. 
• The upper ones actually change the angle and weight of the top of your pack relative to your back and neck. Play with it over time
• You will never not fiddle with your straps. You will, for the entirety of your hike and the longevity of your pack be adjusting your hip belt, shoulder straps, magic chest belt, straps you don't know what they strap to but dammit they do something cuz you felt it for a moment and it was nice; all of it. And that's OK! That's why they're there! Your gear shifts, your body gets tired, the weight of the pack increases and decreases, so you need to custom-balance your pack every damn mile, but that's how you don't break.

And that's that. Next, we'll talk about what to cram in there, before we talk about footwear, dressing in layers, what to sleep in, and everything else.

**shit. I wrote the single longest and most boring post ever