Not Some New Year's Resolution

2019 saw me lost in social media and my phone screen, despite my whining at my kids to stop doing the same. I read less, interacted less, and wrote less because stress and malaise and ennui and more stress saw me fall back into myself. I found new and exciting ways to spiral into my own head, wherein the echo chamber of negativity made even my more escapist hobbies and joys unreachable. I chose to add more noise to the noise between my ears, and came out of it less of me than I am.

Idiot.

I get that lots of stress and busyness make some things seem out of reach: you just can't bring yourself some days to wash the damn dishes or think of what to make for dinner, let alone start on some giant project like a bathroom redo or that Marie Kondo shit that sounds like a good idea, but really just makes me feel even worse about myself that I can't seem to muster enough fucks to give about my stupid closet or silverware drawer.

I got a chance, finally, at some got-dam perspective over the holiday season whilst things got a little quiet. Lest one think this is some insufferable New year's Resolution post...

...well, I guess it kind of is. But it's more meant to be this: I struggle. You struggle. Maybe I can talk a bit about my struggles, and how I really want to spend time on positive things in my life, taking a contrarian lesson from my lackluster and mildly dark 2019. Maybe there's something in my challenges and solutions you find motivating. Maybe sometimes I need to be held accountable to sticking with my solutions. Maybe sometimes I just want to say things, and you exist, and I like that you and I exist together on this sphere and that's all it needs to be.

2019 Retrospective of Positivity
2019 wasn't a total loss! I still did stuff I love. So this doesn't turn into a 5,000-word self-indulgent ramble, I'll just do some highlights so it stays a 1,000-word self-indulgent ramble:

• Some books I read in 2019. Also did some audiobooks on Audible, which allows me to 1) read more books; while I 2) do other stuff at the same time like run, or dishes, or yard work, or drive. I enjoyed all of the books I read - and "read" - but one. But let's not focus on the negative here! Book discussion posts aside, for the reading I did in 2019, it was good reading. Thrilled a favorite author published a new book, equally thrilled at a series of books written 2,000 years ago. Talk to me about books.
• Went camping. I take my boys, annually, to Wilderness State Park. I went there as a kid, and love the tradition with mine. They tell me they do too! Talk to me about camping and hiking.
• Vacationed in Boston! Boston is Jennifer's and my favorite city-away-from-home. We love the food, the history, the walk-ability, the feel of the place. Got to share it with the boys, all of whom are in various stages of learning about early American history. When you can get a 14 year old to walk around a city un-ironically wearing a tri-corn hat, maybe you've done well. Talk to me about family trips.
• GenCon. I'm with my best friends, at my happy place, doing some of my favorite things. Talk to me about board games.
• I brewed some beer. It's my most productive hobby! Talk to me about beer.
• I shared food, wine, and the gift of alone-time with the love of my life. Talk to me about love. Or food. Or both.

2020
I have lots of hopes and dreams for how I'm going to treat myself and my family in 2020. I will "fail" in my grandest desires, surely, because life and work will sometimes conspire to conflict. I guess this is my biggest goal: to not look at things that just don't work out as a failure, because failure is such a personal and demeaning word I use to punish myself for things that aren't my fault. I just have to take what doesn't happen as sure-it's-disappointing-but-I'm-not-a-bad-person-because-of-it.

I want more hikes. More outdoors. Better fitness. More great books. More family time.

And less noise, be it from the echo chamber of social media, or of my own making. Let's go, 2020!