So You want to Go Hiking, Volume 5

 

Noah's Unofficial Guide to Not Dying in the Backcountry

Backcountry Fashion

Fashion icon InStyle advises, in their 50-point list of fashion-y advice: 

• show skin strategically

  

  Not likely to work as well on a trail as the red carpet
  

  
  
• throw on a scarf
• layer your necklaces
• when in doubt, wear nude pumps
• own something leopard

Bored Suburban Dad still wears cargo pants (but in an era of having to carry masks and hand sanitizer, look whose pants-fashion makes sense now, detractors!) and chooses shirts and shoes based on function, not form, so allow us to offer some wildly different fashion advice for your backcountry adventures! 

Footwear Fashion

I have been to National Parks and have seen some very sad day-trippers in busted - but surely very cute - flip flops and sandals, seemingly unaware that while taking a nice walk in the mountains, mountains can be very mountainy. My pre-teens once approached a gentleman wearing boat shoes to see if he had "real boots cuz these trails are tough." He didn't. He was sad, 3 hours later, with bloody blisters and a twisted ankle. 

When you buy shitty tires for your car, they shred, they don't perform, and they mess up your suspension. Perfect analogy for your hiking footwear.

You can get by with a good pair of running shoes. Decent tread, good arch support, light-weight. I don't really recommend it, though, because the "amazing breathability" of your running shoes also means they're not waterproof, mud puddle proof, muddy trail proof, or swamp proof, and the nice, bouncy tread isn't sharp-rock-and-stick-proof, and puncture wounds on your feet are the opposite of a good time.

Not recommended. For anything.

Hiking shoes and hiking boots are the way to go. This is largely a matter of preference. I have 2 pair: Merrell Yakota 2 hiking shoe, and the Asolo Traverse hiking boot. Why the difference? Why two? Oh my god do I need a separate walk-in shoe closet for my backcountry fashion? It's all about Load. A super-heavy pack over really rough terrain requires firm ankle support, and you only get that from boots. A day pack or moderate pack over moderate or slightly rough terrain, you can use a shoe.

Really take your time. Some people have that really sensitive ankle nob thing, and a tight boot hurts their ankles. Most reputable outdoorsy stores will let you bring a pair of boots back that just aren't hacking it. Seriously: buy a pair, try them on, go find some local trails, and walk around for a couple hours. 

Socks

Every single complaint, when I was in the Marine Corps, be it headaches to bleeding wounds to dysentery, was handled thusly: take some motrin, drink some water, change your socks. And I'll be god-damned, it worked every time. If you pack no other clothing, pack a change of socks. One pair for every day on the trail, and an extra in case you step in a river accidentally. And cotton? Cotton is for amateurs. Wool. Wool can still perform when it gets wet. Wool wicks. Wool transfers heat the way you need it to. It comes from sheep, and is nature's perfect foot-wear material. 

I am an absolute sucker for Smartwool. Cushion, compression for good circulation, comfortable. Plus, they come in fun patterns and colors so you can feel like a real fashionista!

Pants

I recommend them.

Oh, you want to know what kind. OK fine.

Jeans suck for long hikes. Don't. They're thick. They don't breathe. When they get wet, it's the end of the world. They sag and stretch out. Swamp-ass and crotch-rot are caused by jeans. If you're gonna do a couple leisurely miles with a waterbottle, they're fine. But the long distance overnight hikes we're talking about: I'm just not a fan.

I do actually prefer pants over shorts, because hiking in the backcountry brings you all sorts of leg-gashing fun and joy, from pricker bushes that have selfishly grown over a trail to ticks that will make you sick for the rest of your life. If it's a billion degrees, sure, I'll wear shorts, but I make sure the socks I've packed are at least mid-calf in length that minimize the amount of skin showing (in direct conflict with InStyle's advice, above), even though it makes you look like you're dressed for Oktoberfest. From the waist down, anyway.

Cargo pants, baby. Extra pocketses. And I have so may pair of Eddie Bauer's First Ascent series of

If Gollum woulda worn cargo pants...

pants, I feel like they owe me something. When they get wet, they dry damn near immediately. They're tough, whilst wading through evil prickers. They're stretchy so you can really move, bend, step, leap in them. The Pro pants of that series are just a great hiking pant, and the convertible pant in that series, to go from full pants to shorts, is a special kind of magic. I also have the fleece-lined pants, and let me tell you about wearing those pants in the cold...it's like getting a hug from Hawaii. Ar...around
your...legs...maybe that's a bad analogy.

Shirts

Just say No to standard cotton. Cotton gets wet and stretches out and never dries and gets stiff and chafes. What you're after here is "wicking" material that takes all your nasty sweat and blows it into the air (sometimes, that's a cotton blend).

At a certain point every day, you're gonna dump your pack. Maybe when you eat. Maybe just to take a break. Maybe you found that idyllic watering hole and you want to leap in...and I don't recommend you jump in with your pack on, for drowning reasons. You're gonna dump that pack, and you're gonna notice that your shirt, along your back and shoulders and maybe your waistline, is drenched. Swampy. Wet-and-sticky. You'll want a shirt that's nearly dry in 10 or 15 minutes; short enough that when you take that break and eat that snack or lunch or take that skinny-dip, it'll be dry.

Well, they're dressed in layers, I guess...
but 0% on the footwear

Think: fitness gear. All that Reebok and Under Armor and Nike workout meathead gear is actually perfect. I do not, for hiking, recommend the tight compression gear stuff. It's looks cool and shows off your big muscles, but you'll actually get hot and sweaty fast. In another post, about camping in the dead of winter, I do indeed recommend it. But for hiking, what you want for hiking is the slim-fit and loose-fit stuff. An example is the Reebok Speedwick line. These UA loose-fit long-sleeve Ts. It's what my boys and I wear.

Rain and Jackets and Hoodies

Weather will eventually suck, despite your favorite weather app's insistence. You all know the Michigan
weather axiom. And sometimes you want that nice warm hoodie for chilly late-Spring or Fall mornings or evenings, putzing around your campsite. 

This gets into: dress in layers. Dress in such a way that you can strip layers as your body heat makes you sweaty on the hike, and that will be dry when you put it back on when you're sitting still. Advice 101.

Anyway: you want a rain jacket that both, you know, sheds rain, but is also breathable. Solid rubber or plastic raincoats you wore as a kid just aren't going to cut it on the trail. My boys and I wear North Face rain gear; it works, and it's only around $100 or less. The best of the best is probably Patagonia. They make great stuff, and it's still in the realm of affordable. If you want to impress no one, but you have gobs of money to spend, Arc'teryx is your brand.

NO ONE is this happy when it rains on the trail

As for hoodies: up to you. It's weight and space in your pack, but it's comfort when there's a chill. I have nice UnderArmor Storm Gear I use. Warm, lightweight, water resistant, wicks.

How much to pack? It's cool to get a little funky on a hiking trip. On a 3-4 day trip, I'll pack socks and a new shirt for every day. Pants? Pff. One pair. Maybe an extra in case one gets ripped or swamped. Underwear? It's your ass, dude. Up to you.

And there you have it: not camping naked.

Again, we've focused on overnight hikes from May-ish through September. Mild weather, trends warm. We'll start a series on misery cam...er...late-Fall and Winter camping, which is a whole different animal. We're starting out on getting novices out on the trails with decent gear for a good first experience right now.

Look for Volume 6: survival gear trail essentials to delay death!