No one can top the Hater's Guide to the Williams and Sonoma Catalog. It is an annual work of art to which we all eagerly look.
For my part here at BSD, I'm a foodie only inasmuch as I like to go to nice restaurants and eat good food. Sure, I can cook fairly complicated recipes, but let's face the facts: so long as I have 3 young gentlemen living here whose meal tastes range from "bacon" all the way to "chicken tenders," the W & S catalog and pages of useless equipment will be just out of reach.
As the Holidays fast approach, amongst the tsunami of Holiday Special Catalogs jammed in my mailbox was one that fits the BSD sphere: outdoorsy, sporty, camp-and-hike-y.
And full of goods that no one who actually spends time in the woods would use. It's a catalog for customers who like the idea of hardy outdoorsiness, but without the dirt, bugs, and weather. You know, that indoorsy kind of outdoorsiness.
So come on outside. Sit with me by the fire, started with kindling from our 15# burlap sack of Orvis Fatwood (a mere $35 + shipping!) - cut from the resin-saturated heartwood found in the stumps of longleaf pines, burning with a hot, aromatic pine flame! - and let's peruse the finest offerings from the gentleman's outdoors store, Orivs!
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Item HK2KSL - Oak Traveling Bar
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| A Portable Booze Dresser |
Price: $1,195
Blurb: Handmade...from seasoned quartersawn oak, portable travel bar holds two bottles with ample storage for glasses and accessories. Spanish cedar humidor drawer.
Bored Suburban Dad: For $1200, you can make a real statement the next time you go to your friend's house: I don't trust you to have the right liquor or glasses for our toast, plebe. Heaven forbid we drink my Johnny Walker Ultraviolet out of your cracked coffee mugs, and by god, are you just storing your Wild Turkey on top of your refrigerator?? Neanderthal. And nothing says "I'm camping" like bringing a mini dresser filled with booze and Waterford Crystal. Well, maybe there's a small point to be made...
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Item HK20NF - Handmade Artisan Sporting Belt
Price: $195
Blurb: Each artisan buckle is created using a multi-step process with 5 metals...Wax occasionally with any high-quality paste wax."
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| Sports! |
BSD: I have a funny story about the first time I bought a $100 belt I'll tell some time. This one's twice that. First, 2 pages in to the catalog and we can check the "artisan" box off the high-end catalog bingo card. Second, no belt I have ever worn for outdoorsy abuse, or even with my nice suits in my day job, has ever required or even been around words like "use high-quality paste wax." I don't think I have "high-quality paste wax" in my house. Also, what kind of "sporting" involves "high-quality paste wax?" Don't answer that. This is a family blog, god dammit.
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| "That's not a knife..." --C. Dundee |
Price: $159
Blurb: Whether you need an elegant knife to carry every day or are looking for a small folder to breast out birds, this knife will serve you well. Choose from African oxhorn or European staghorn.
BSD: Finally, with the high-quality paste-waxed sporting belt, and this "gentleman's" pocket knife, I am but a few more steps away from my rightful spot among the well-heeled and genteel. If only I had a...
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| The 'Gentleman's C' of Watches |
Item HK2PEA - Gentleman's Everyday Watch
Price: $109
Blurb: Perfect for everyday wear... Personalize with engraving, up to 3 letters.
BSD: Yes! My ascension to Gentleman is complete! No, this watch is a mere $109, so it won't matter if I accidentally get the stench of poverty on it when I come over (with my Oak Traveling Bar in tow, of course).
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| Initials? Monogram? CHOICES... |
Price: $149
Blurb: Orvis-exclusive white pine toasting box...so you're always ready to raise a glass.
BSD: Wait. Shit. I thought I was all set with the Oak Traveling Bar. But now I can have a Toasting Box too? Personalized? Which will impress my friends more? Which will really drive home the message that I am of higher taste and class? Gods, being a refined gentleman is so hard.
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| If you have to Google Sheesham, you're poor |
Price: $98
Blurb: Handcrafted solid brass compass is presented in a handsome Sheesham box.
BSD: Solid brass is awfully heavy, and this big box is gonna take a lot of room in my pack, but gentlemen are far more concerned with the classic, brass look of this hardy compass, reminiscent of those one classic sailing ships of yore. Evokes memories of our more travel-hardy ancestors, using the stars for inspiration and guidance. What does "N" mean?
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| Portable things don't need wheels when you have Staff |
Price: $549 (plus an additional $270 in accessories)
Blurb: A portable grilling system designed for cooking over an open fire
BSD: Ahh, perfect. Cooking just like the cowboys did over an open fire. Three steel legs that attach to a nickel-plated, steel fire ring and stainless steel accessories! Perfectly portable with my SUV or perhaps my vintage covered wagon! Not sure I'd recommend it for backpacking, though. Or carrying from your garage without a dolly. Or really just being portable, period.
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| Boil boil toil & trouble |
Price: $275
Blurb: ...made from solid plate steel and built to last
BSD: You see, just having these cowboy-covered-wagon things makes one feel very Montanan and outdoorsy. It's hard to tell if this is for cooking, elevating your roaring campfire off the ground where fires otherwise belong, or for making mysterious and dangerous magical potions from Stetson-clad witches.
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| ONLY for barns, not outdoors in general |
Item HK24S2 - Ripstop Barn Coat
Price: $298
Blurb: ...this coat is up for anything and looks good doing it
BSD: ...while guaranteeing that no one who actually owns a real barn could afford or wear this coat, dirty peasants.
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| They added too many letters to "kid" |
Price: $199 & $49
Blurb: Splitter - Mounts easily where virtually anyone can make unlimited quantities of softwood kindling; Firewood - Perfect kindling for the woodstove, fireplace, or campfire.
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| Your woodsy-wood is SO proletariat |
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Item HK3AGA - Great Outdoors Jigsaw Puzzle
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| Outdoors! How pretty. |
Price: $59
Blurb: Create a customized high-quality jigsaw puzzle using US Geological Survey mapping.
BSD: Perfect closer. Why go outdoors, when you can bring the outdoors indoors?
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Welcome to the Great Outdoors! I hope you brought your toasting box and kindling! We can burn it in my cauldron, along with our pride.
I want to build an oak traveling bar now. Just because. It will remain stationary though, because my friends all have better booze than me.
ReplyDeleteI guess that's just a regular oak bar.
Hahahahaha
DeleteDo you have low quality paste wax?
ReplyDeleteI don’t think I have even just paste wax. Or paste. Or wax.
Delete