Tuesday, May 11, 2021

My Secret, Make-Believe Life. Or Lives.

I live in a house with somewhere near, or at, or around, 300 board games. There are probably 3 still in the plastic. There are, oh, I'll say 8 to 10 that I was given that I've read, but not played. There is one that I bought because I just had to own it; the very thought of it, the very essence of it, the theme, it's new-ness in the field of board games and the thought that it could be The One that changes how board games work
Games. ALL OF THEM.

demanded  that I have it. But maybe I don't ever play it. Nuts, right? If it's so goddamn great, what's the problem? The problem: maybe if I do, maybe everything indeed changes. Am I ready for that?

I'll tell you the game in a bit, maybe later. If I do it now, I'm gonna write gushingly about it. The name of the game isn't the point. It's the mechanic. And a big piece of the mechanic of this board game is: storytelling. 

Storytelling? In a board game??

Guys. This is where I'm headed. Since when is a board game about storytelling? Board games are about buying Park Place, or saying "Sorry!," or winning because you nabbed Australia first, right? 

They used to be. They still can be. But board games are figuring out what my First Love has known all along: storytelling is central to our species. Telling stories is literally what separates us from the animals. We looked at stars and asked why and made a story about them. We looked at us and asked why and made a story about us.

Storytelling can be passive: we sit as a friend tells us a funny story; a pastor at church relates a biblical story to a modern-life story; we listen to a podcast; we watch a play or movie; a parent reads a child a book. But what if storytelling was active? Participatory? What if we told stories together? How sublime that we, a communal species, create a fiction together...tell a story together...explode our imaginations together?

Two paragraphs ago, I mentioned my First Love (with regard to gaming, folks, come on now). Ready? I've loved my First Love for 33 years. We met when I was 14. We've been together, weekly, monthly, yearly, ever since. Here's the Big Reveal: 


Working professionals by day; Elves, Gnomes, 
Halflings, and sure, Humans by night
Role Playing Games are community storytelling: the interaction between the Dungeon Master (or Game Master in any Role Playing Game that's not D&D) - who is the narrator - and the players - who are the characters. The DM provides the story and structure, and the players react to it, change it, take it to new and unpredictable places, make it "real." I enjoy, so much, being a player. I love to be someone I'm not for a few hours, and I love even more being variations on who I am, taking me to different places in different ways (one of my favorite selves of all time is a female half-orc Paladin, and it's her quirks and raison d'etre that makes her so special to me). But even more, my true joy is being the DM - the narrator. I love it so much when I present a situation, and have thought of outcomes and directions this situation and my best friends on the planet - but as their not-themselves - are going to take this...and instead they go in totally different directions. I have to, on the fly, make new things happen in this world we've created, in cities or wildernesses we've created, with citizens and denizens we've befriended or angered or killed or helped.
In 2020, Storytelling looked a little...
different?

Authors, when they're interviewed, talk about how they write their characters, write a situation, and "see what happens." Sure, maybe, probably. They have an idea, or a few, and they game them out, but it's not likely random like human behavior and decisions truly are. But when I work with - tell a story with - my players? My friends? It's just...sublime. It's us. It's biases and group dynamics and mob behavior and deviousness and compassion. A push and pull around motivations and desires, where I try to move a story and where they drag it anyway. It's perfect. And what makes this so true is that right now, I DM two similar groups of different people with two different levels of experience with the game: each group is a collection of well-educated, multiple-degreed, Type-A types who revel in curve-balls and whose jobs require flexible, seat-of-the-pants thinking; but one group started playing last April after hearing about the game and wanting something to do in a pandemic...and the other group, like me, have been playing for decades. 
Some of the tools of the trade, with a Pandemic twist

These are not "versus" relationships. They're  partnerships. And each of these groups plays the very same adventure, or module (in gamer-speak), or tells the same story (in all-of-us speak), in very different ways! Different responses, reactions, directions. It's collective storytelling in its purest form.

Role Playing Games have evolved a little to include miniatures - or more rightly, they're always included the possibility of using minis, but they've evolved now to emphasize it - because fighting and combat is a part of the story. The game started as an "all in the mind's eye" game, and has moved to storytelling-plus-pieces-on-a-table. In other words, role playing games are increasingly a hybrid between the tabletop miniature warfare games that inspired them, modern board games, and storytelling!

All the cool kids do it too
But it's this evolution that brings this full-circle. The newest and best board games tell a story. The board of the board game itself changes depending on how you play the game, and what the outcome is of the game you played before the game...on the same board...you're playing now. For those not so deep in nerd-dom as my boys and friends and I, picture it this way: imagine you buy Boardwalk and Park Place. And then you Monopolize them - you put the Hotels on those properties. and everyone, when their pieces are on that side of the board, are like "oh god please don't roll a 5," 

But now, with the next evolution of board games, imagine that another Monopoly player breaks a story about worker abuses among your hotel staff at Park Place. And imagine that the other 3 of your opponents pooled their resources and launched a PR campaign that publicizes not only your worker abuse scandal at Park Place, but also your horrible money-laundering scheme at Atlantic and Ventnor Ave and Marvin Gardens and how you bribed the Mayor for economic development dollars to put houses on those properties at a net bank cut. And as a result: you have to put permanent stickers on the Monopoly Board on those properties that devalue their worth to lower-than-Mediterranean-and-Baltic, and a new game rule is instituted that requires you to pay all the other players $50 every time you pass go as part of a settlement agreement. 

The origin story of all origin stories, 
told via the artwork of the story
That is a glimpse of where board games are headed. D&D and other modern role playing games are slowly morphing storytelling - their core - with pieces on a table. My players in D&D make permanent changes to the world that they act within - throwing-in with the "President" of Waterdeep pisses off the criminal underground led by Xanathar who now makes life Hell, for example. Now, board games are catching up. Don't just play the game; change the game, forever, even for whoever plays it after you, because what you did makes the board - the world, because in a board game, the board is the world you're in - different for who plays after.












Friday, December 11, 2020

So You Want to Go Hiking, Volume 6

Noah's Unofficial Guide to Not Dying in the Backcountry 

How to Die a Slower Death on the Trail

We've covered so much ground, we have: packs; sleeping; eating; wearing things; going poo. All grown up and almost ready for your Big Woodland Adventure! But I do want to cover one more range of items you should pack to help make your trip smooth and agony-reduced: Oh Shit.

Oh Shit are the things you should have on hand for when, as you do things in the trail, your first two words are: Oh...shit. From compound fractures to burns to rattlesnake bites and surprise rain storms, this is your guide to things which, if you don't pack them, you will need them.

The 2 Most Important

There are 2 things that will make your life not suck on the trail: a pocket multi-tool; and paracord. Cut a branch? Dig a sliver out of you left ass cheek? Open packages? Cut rope? Stab a bear? If you don't have at least a Swiss Army Knife, things are actually going to get mildly complicated on the trail. You can't believe how much you'll use a pocket knife. Having a pocket knife with saws, pliers, files, 6 sizes of knife, and a toothpick means you have all the amenities of home. My boys and I carry Leatherman tools on our belts or in an easy-to-access hip pocket.

I cannot stress the importance of rope. And on the trail, the lightest, strongest rope to modern hikers:

Learn to store your rope, dude

paracord. Your Friendly Local Outdoorsy Store carries like 27 different sizes of this stuff on several wheels behind the cash register. Get you like 15, 20 feet of #550 paracord for your trip. Guys. Like...need some rope to stake-down a tarp for rain cover on a surprise storm? Break a bootlace? Need to hang a bug net and the cord it came with broke? A strap on your pack break? Your hip belt screw up? Your pants belt break? Need to snare a rabbit for dinner? #550 paracord is the all-purpose, tough-as-nails rope that is strong enough to get you out of everything but having to literally hang a bear in the air. And even then, with enough of it, you could make that net that grabbed Chewbacca and his friends on Endor. You can get away with #325 paracord, but I suggest #550.

First Aid

But is it bleeding??

Your friend will accidentally hit you in the face with overhanging branches that whip back when they get caught on their pack. You'll singe your eyebrows and burn your finger the first time you light a WhisperLite. You'll slide down some scree traversing an incline "that'll be just fine." My boys and I carry 2 things to help us deal with minor trail annoyances (read: BLISTERS) and prepare for the remote possibility of situations like in that movie where the dude got pinned under a boulder and had to cut off his arm (see above, re: knives): The ultralight and watertight Adventure Medical Kit for 4 People; and this pocket-sized British SAS Outdoor Survival Guide. That little book...man. Everything from safely removing ticks to setting broken bones. And some interesting notes about self-defense and silent kills.

Water

You can go 3 weeks without food. You can't make but 3 days without water. You're hiking-in 2 or 3 liters of water (hikers use the metric system, along with every developed nation on Earth but us; get

On the upside: will fill
your purifier quickly

used to it) in your pack's water bladder. You can use some of that for food, sure. They design their bladders for easy pouring. And heck, my sons and I even carry a handy extra water thingy just for food-on-the-trail. But you do not ever want to think you can just hump-in all the water you need. Get you a water purifier so that no matter where you are, as long as you're near a water source, you can refill, not worry about spills, and the like. We carry the Katadyn 10L Base Camp Pro. Fill the bag, hang from tree, clean water comes out. Magic.

For shits and grins, I bought one of those LifeStraws. It's conveniently-inconvenient. Once you get it working, it's kinda neat. But initially, it's like trying to suck ice cream through a straw, like when you make a shake too thick. You burst blood vessels in your eyes and risk a brain bleed before the water comes in, but when it finally does...pure bliss. Until your brain bleeds out from the previous effort.

Oh Jesus It Won't Stop Itching

Well, fuck. You did it. You wiped your ass with that big leaf, and now your ass is on fire. You saw this beautiful vista, and waded through a knee-deep field of this odd plant with 3 leaves and now you're full

Sure, let's hang here for the night! Seems fine...

of blisters. Fear not! My boys and I carry a big-ass bottle of Tecnu. This. Shit. Is. Magic. Listen: my oldest son and I spent 5 days on Michigan's South Manitou Island. South Manitou is made of poison ivy. 100% of the island. It floats on a bed of poison ivy or some shit. We would rub our legs in Tecnu and rinse in the Lake. Not one spot of poison ivy. You have 8 hours after exposure to use this stuff. It's goddamn wild.

Sidenote: bugs. If you're not carrying 99.8% DEET, bugs will eat you to death. Spray your lower legs, boots, and waist/belt especially. Ticks like to hang out there. Shins and ankles can be a tick cafe.



WHAT?? The Radar Said Sunny and 70**!!

Yeah. Michigan. It rains. If you know you're camping and hiking and it's likely to rain, everyone from

I don't think the heavy stuff will come down 
for a while

North Face to Arc'teryx makes a whole range of light-weight, fast-drying rain gear (I wear this), and most Osprey packs come with an attached rain cover.

But sometimes, you plan a weekend getaway and the weather looks perfect...until it isn't. Because Michigan. For such mayhem, my boys and I carry this packable, super-light, disposable poncho that's available at our local grocery/everything store that's not WalMart. And from Volume 2 of BSD's unofficial backcountry not-dying guide, wherein we covered sleeping, I again point to SOL's Emergency Bivvy as an indispensable piece of backcountry chaos gear.

**for those of you not from the North, "sunny and 70" is considered perfect weather. Anything above 80, 85 is scalding and deadly-hot. 90, stay indoors. 60? Bust out the shorts.

I Can't See!

Alert: it gets dark at night. Very. We city-slickers are used to some ambient light from street lights to airports to just neighborhoods worth of porchlights. But way way out there in the middle of BFE? DARK. My boys and I like the free use of our hands, so we pack headlamps (ones at the link are pricey; we just use good ol' Colemans). Bonus: shine bright lights in one another's eyes just by the common human interaction of making eye contact when you talk! Fun with spots in your eyes!

Etc.

None of this is strictly necessary, but falls under the BSD edict: if I don't pack it, I'll need it:

  • Should fit fine, NP
    Avenza Maps app on your phone. Topographical maps that use your phone's always-connected GPS (don't need wifi or a signal) so you can end the age-old argument: where the fuck are we??
  • Waterproof matches. No, it won't light wet wood, dummy. But it'll lite your gas-powered WhisperLite so you can still eat.
  • A real compass. If you use paper topo-maps like a badass, this is the tool I was trained on in the Marine Corps. Just not the compass from this place.
  • Go old-school like our ancient forebears. It's actually kinda neat.
  • Camp towels. Dry your dishes, dry your ass. Same one. Screw it. You're outdoors. 
And with Christmas just around the corner, just cut-and-paste this handy guide when your relatives are looking for stocking-stuffer suggestions! I'm sure your grandma won't mind the swearing; we've heard her after she gets a couple drinks down.

Thursday, December 3, 2020

Disappointed Dad's Guide to Orvis' Holiday Catalog

No one can top the Hater's Guide to the Williams and Sonoma Catalog. It is an annual work of art to which we all eagerly look. 

For my part here at BSD, I'm a foodie only inasmuch as I like to go to nice restaurants and eat good food. Sure, I can cook fairly complicated recipes, but let's face the facts: so long as I have 3 young gentlemen living here whose meal tastes range from "bacon" all the way to "chicken tenders," the W & S catalog and pages of useless equipment will be just out of reach.

As the Holidays fast approach, amongst the tsunami of Holiday Special Catalogs jammed in my mailbox was one that fits the BSD sphere: outdoorsy, sporty, camp-and-hike-y.

And full of goods that no one who actually spends time in the woods would use. It's a catalog for customers who like the idea of hardy outdoorsiness, but without the dirt, bugs, and weather. You know, that indoorsy kind of outdoorsiness.

So come on outside. Sit with me by the fire, started with kindling from our 15# burlap sack of Orvis Fatwood (a mere $35 + shipping!) - cut from the resin-saturated heartwood found in the stumps of longleaf pines, burning with a hot, aromatic pine flame! - and let's peruse the finest offerings from the gentleman's outdoors store, Orivs!

---------------

Item HK2KSL - Oak Traveling Bar

A Portable Booze Dresser

Price: $1,195

Blurb: Handmade...from seasoned quartersawn oak, portable travel bar holds two bottles with ample storage for glasses and accessories. Spanish cedar humidor drawer.

Bored Suburban Dad: For $1200, you can make a real statement the next time you go to your friend's house: I don't trust you to have the right liquor or glasses for our toast, plebe. Heaven forbid we drink my Johnny Walker Ultraviolet out of your cracked coffee mugs, and by god, are you just storing your Wild Turkey on top of your refrigerator?? Neanderthal. And nothing says "I'm camping" like bringing a mini dresser filled with booze and Waterford Crystal. Well, maybe there's a small point to be made...

---------------

Item HK20NF - Handmade Artisan Sporting Belt

Price: $195

Blurb: Each artisan buckle is created using a multi-step process with 5 metals...Wax occasionally with any high-quality paste wax."

Sports!

BSD: I have a funny story about the first time I bought a $100 belt I'll tell some time. This one's twice that. First, 2 pages in to the catalog and we can check the "artisan" box off the high-end catalog bingo card. Second, no belt I have ever worn for outdoorsy abuse, or even with my nice suits in my day job, has ever required or even been around words like "use high-quality paste wax." I don't think I have "high-quality paste wax" in my house. Also, what kind of "sporting" involves "high-quality paste wax?" Don't answer that. This is a family blog, god dammit.

---------------

"That's not a knife..." 
--C. Dundee
Item HK19Z4 - Gentleman's Pocket Knife

Price: $159

Blurb: Whether you need an elegant knife to carry every day or are looking for a small folder to breast out birds, this knife will serve you well. Choose from African oxhorn or European staghorn.

BSD: Finally, with the high-quality paste-waxed sporting belt, and this "gentleman's" pocket knife, I am but a few more steps away from my rightful spot among the well-heeled and genteel. If only I had a...


The 'Gentleman's C' of Watches
---------------

Item HK2PEA - Gentleman's Everyday Watch

Price: $109

Blurb: Perfect for everyday wear... Personalize with engraving, up to 3 letters.

BSD: Yes! My ascension to Gentleman is complete! No, this watch is a mere $109, so it won't matter if I accidentally get the stench of poverty on it when I come over (with my Oak Traveling Bar in tow, of course).

---------------

Initials? Monogram? CHOICES...
Item HK2XCB - Personalized Toasting Box

Price: $149

Blurb: Orvis-exclusive white pine toasting box...so you're always ready to raise a glass.

BSD: Wait. Shit. I thought I was all set with the Oak Traveling Bar. But now I can have a Toasting Box too? Personalized? Which will impress my friends more? Which will really drive home the message that I am of higher taste and class? Gods, being a refined gentleman is so hard.

---------------

If you have to
Google Sheesham, you're poor
Item HK95TO - Gift-Boxed Brass Compass

Price: $98

Blurb: Handcrafted solid brass compass is presented in a handsome Sheesham box.

BSD: Solid brass is awfully heavy, and this big box is gonna take a lot of room in my pack, but gentlemen are far more concerned with the classic, brass look of this hardy compass, reminiscent of those one classic sailing ships of yore. Evokes memories of our more travel-hardy ancestors, using the stars for inspiration and guidance. What does "N" mean?



---------------

Portable things don't need wheels 
when you have Staff
Item HK2TNE - Kudu Portable Grill

Price: $549 (plus an additional $270 in accessories)

Blurb: A portable grilling system designed for cooking over an open fire

BSD: Ahh, perfect. Cooking just like the cowboys did over an open fire. Three steel legs that attach to a nickel-plated, steel fire ring and stainless steel accessories! Perfectly portable with my SUV or perhaps my vintage covered wagon! Not sure I'd recommend it for backpacking, though. Or carrying from your garage without a dolly. Or really just being portable, period.

---------------

Boil boil toil & trouble
Item HK21SG - Cowboy Cauldron

Price: $275

Blurb: ...made from solid plate steel and built to last

BSD: You see, just having these cowboy-covered-wagon things makes one feel very Montanan and outdoorsy. It's hard to tell if this is for cooking, elevating your roaring campfire off the ground where fires otherwise belong, or for making mysterious and dangerous magical potions from Stetson-clad witches.



---------------

ONLY for barns, not outdoors in general

Item HK24S2 - Ripstop Barn Coat

Price: $298

Blurb: ...this coat is up for anything and looks good doing it

BSD: ...while guaranteeing that no one who actually owns a real barn could afford or wear this coat, dirty peasants.

---------------

They added too many letters to "kid"
Items HK3AF7 & HK21ML - Wall-Mounted Kindling Splitter & 35-lb Carton of Firewood

Price: $199 & $49

Blurb: Splitter - Mounts easily where virtually anyone can make unlimited quantities of softwood kindling; Firewood - Perfect kindling for the woodstove, fireplace, or campfire.

Your woodsy-wood is SO 
proletariat
BSD: No one with kids will buy the Wall-Mounted SKULL SPLITTER. "Hey, Tommy, put your head in here real quick..." And I promise, if you bring your own sack of corporate-branded firewood to your campsite, the ghosts of your outdoorsy ancestors will rise from the grave simply to mock you.

---------------

Item HK3AGA - Great Outdoors Jigsaw Puzzle

Outdoors! How pretty.

Price: $59

Blurb: Create a customized high-quality jigsaw puzzle using US Geological Survey mapping.

BSD: Perfect closer. Why go outdoors, when you can bring the outdoors indoors?




---------------
Welcome to the Great Outdoors! I hope you brought your toasting box and kindling! We can burn it in my cauldron, along with our pride.


Monday, November 9, 2020

So You want to Go Hiking, Volume 5

 

Noah's Unofficial Guide to Not Dying in the Backcountry

Backcountry Fashion

Fashion icon InStyle advises, in their 50-point list of fashion-y advice: 
  • show skin strategically
    Not likely to work as well on a trail as the red carpet

  • throw on a scarf
  • layer your necklaces
  • when in doubt, wear nude pumps
  • own something leopard
Bored Suburban Dad still wears cargo pants (but in an era of having to carry masks and hand sanitizer, look whose pants-fashion makes sense now, detractors!) and chooses shirts and shoes based on function, not form, so allow us to offer some wildly different fashion advice for your backcountry adventures! 


Footwear Fashion

I have been to National Parks and have seen some very sad day-trippers in busted - but surely very cute - flip flops and sandals, seemingly unaware that while taking a nice walk in the mountains, mountains can be very mountainy. My pre-teens once approached a gentleman wearing boat shoes to see if he had "real boots cuz these trails are tough." He didn't. He was sad, 3 hours later, with bloody blisters and a twisted ankle. 

When you buy shitty tires for your car, they shred, they don't perform, and they mess up your suspension. Perfect analogy for your hiking footwear.

You can get by with a good pair of running shoes. Decent tread, good arch support, light-weight. I don't really recommend it, though, because the "amazing breathability" of your running shoes also means they're not waterproof, mud puddle proof, muddy trail proof, or swamp proof, and the nice, bouncy tread isn't sharp-rock-and-stick-proof, and puncture wounds on your feet are the opposite of a good time.

Not recommended. For anything.

Hiking shoes and hiking boots are the way to go. This is largely a matter of preference. I have 2 pair: Merrell Yakota 2 hiking shoe, and the Asolo Traverse hiking boot. Why the difference? Why two? Oh my god do I need a separate walk-in shoe closet for my backcountry fashion? It's all about Load. A super-heavy pack over really rough terrain requires firm ankle support, and you only get that from boots. A day pack or moderate pack over moderate or slightly rough terrain, you can use a shoe.

Really take your time. Some people have that really sensitive ankle nob thing, and a tight boot hurts their ankles. Most reputable outdoorsy stores will let you bring a pair of boots back that just aren't hacking it. Seriously: buy a pair, try them on, go find some local trails, and walk around for a couple hours. 


Socks

Every single complaint, when I was in the Marine Corps, be it headaches to bleeding wounds to dysentery, was handled thusly: take some motrin, drink some water, change your socks. And I'll be god-damned, it worked every time. If you pack no other clothing, pack a change of socks. One pair for every day on the trail, and an extra in case you step in a river accidentally. And cotton? Cotton is for amateurs. Wool. Wool can still perform when it gets wet. Wool wicks. Wool transfers heat the way you need it to. It comes from sheep, and is nature's perfect foot-wear material. 

I am an absolute sucker for Smartwool. Cushion, compression for good circulation, comfortable. Plus, they come in fun patterns and colors so you can feel like a real fashionista!


Pants

I recommend them.

Oh, you want to know what kind. OK fine.

Jeans suck for long hikes. Don't. They're thick. They don't breathe. When they get wet, it's the end of the world. They sag and stretch out. Swamp-ass and crotch-rot are caused by jeans. If you're gonna do a couple leisurely miles with a waterbottle, they're fine. But the long distance overnight hikes we're talking about: I'm just not a fan.

I do actually prefer pants over shorts, because hiking in the backcountry brings you all sorts of leg-gashing fun and joy, from pricker bushes that have selfishly grown over a trail to ticks that will make you sick for the rest of your life. If it's a billion degrees, sure, I'll wear shorts, but I make sure the socks I've packed are at least mid-calf in length that minimize the amount of skin showing (in direct conflict with InStyle's advice, above), even though it makes you look like you're dressed for Oktoberfest. From the waist down, anyway.

Cargo pants, baby. Extra pocketses. And I have so may pair of Eddie Bauer's First Ascent series of
If Gollum woulda worn cargo pants...

pants, I feel like they owe me something. When they get wet, they dry damn near immediately. They're tough, whilst wading through evil prickers. They're stretchy so you can really move, bend, step, leap in them. The Pro pants of that series are just a great hiking pant, and the convertible pant in that series, to go from full pants to shorts, is a special kind of magic. I also have the fleece-lined pants, and let me tell you about wearing those pants in the cold...it's like getting a hug from Hawaii. Ar...around
your...legs...maybe that's a bad analogy.


Shirts

Just say No to standard cotton. Cotton gets wet and stretches out and never dries and gets stiff and chafes. What you're after here is "wicking" material that takes all your nasty sweat and blows it into the air (sometimes, that's a cotton blend).

At a certain point every day, you're gonna dump your pack. Maybe when you eat. Maybe just to take a break. Maybe you found that idyllic watering hole and you want to leap in...and I don't recommend you jump in with your pack on, for drowning reasons. You're gonna dump that pack, and you're gonna notice that your shirt, along your back and shoulders and maybe your waistline, is drenched. Swampy. Wet-and-sticky. You'll want a shirt that's nearly dry in 10 or 15 minutes; short enough that when you take that break and eat that snack or lunch or take that skinny-dip, it'll be dry.

Well, they're dressed in layers, I guess...
but 0% on the footwear
Think: fitness gear. All that Reebok and Under Armor and Nike workout meathead gear is actually perfect. I do not, for hiking, recommend the tight compression gear stuff. It's looks cool and shows off your big muscles, but you'll actually get hot and sweaty fast. In another post, about camping in the dead of winter, I do indeed recommend it. But for hiking, what you want for hiking is the slim-fit and loose-fit stuff. An example is the Reebok Speedwick line. These UA loose-fit long-sleeve Ts. It's what my boys and I wear.


Rain and Jackets and Hoodies

Weather will eventually suck, despite your favorite weather app's insistence. You all know the Michigan
weather axiom. And sometimes you want that nice warm hoodie for chilly late-Spring or Fall mornings or evenings, putzing around your campsite. 

This gets into: dress in layers. Dress in such a way that you can strip layers as your body heat makes you sweaty on the hike, and that will be dry when you put it back on when you're sitting still. Advice 101.

Anyway: you want a rain jacket that both, you know, sheds rain, but is also breathable. Solid rubber or plastic raincoats you wore as a kid just aren't going to cut it on the trail. My boys and I wear North Face rain gear; it works, and it's only around $100 or less. The best of the best is probably Patagonia. They make great stuff, and it's still in the realm of affordable. If you want to impress no one, but you have gobs of money to spend, Arc'teryx is your brand.
NO ONE is this happy when it rains on the trail

As for hoodies: up to you. It's weight and space in your pack, but it's comfort when there's a chill. I have nice UnderArmor Storm Gear I use. Warm, lightweight, water resistant, wicks.

How much to pack? It's cool to get a little funky on a hiking trip. On a 3-4 day trip, I'll pack socks and a new shirt for every day. Pants? Pff. One pair. Maybe an extra in case one gets ripped or swamped. Underwear? It's your ass, dude. Up to you.

And there you have it: not camping naked.

Again, we've focused on overnight hikes from May-ish through September. Mild weather, trends warm. We'll start a series on misery cam...er...late-Fall and Winter camping, which is a whole different animal. We're starting out on getting novices out on the trails with decent gear for a good first experience right now.

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Bored Suburban Dad Cooks: Gen-X Lasagna!

cheeeeeeeese

I don't want people to think that Bored Suburban Dad is all about abandoning Less-Bored Suburban Mom to take the Bored Suburban Kids on camping and hiking trips or playing board games.

Bored Suburban Dad cooks too!

We're gonna do this the opposite way that most cooking blogs do: recipe first.


Bored Suburban Dad's Extra-Goopy Lasagna


Give yourself 2 hours, because this is a labor of love. 


Ingredients first:

  • 1 big fucking onion. White. Not that purple shit.

  • 1 green pepper

  • How ever many cloves of garlic you like, but like 3 or 4 big-ass thumb-sized is good

  • Olive oil, because this is Italian. Ish.

  • 28 oz can of diced tomatoes, pretentious or not

  • 28 oz can tomato sauce, free-range or not

  • 6 oz can of tomato paste

  • A fat tablespoon of sugar

  • Salt and pepper

  • 2 pounds of ground Italian sausage (not links, but bulk ground). Mild, hot, sweet, whatever tickles you today

  • Ricotta cheese. Big 32 oz thing of it.

  • More garlic, like another 2 or 3 huge cloves

  • Giant 1.5 pound bag of shredded mozzarella

  • A whole 16 oz shaker container of crumbled parmesan cheese. Not shredded. That crumbly one. Yeah, that.

  • Italian spices. There’s a thing in the spice aisle called “Italian Spices.” That. I mean, you can make your own tiny pile of oregano, basil, parsley, and thyme if you want, or just cheat and buy the one that says “Italian spices.” How much? Like...cup your palm. Fill the little divot that cupping your palm makes.

  • Lasagna noodles


Now, there’s lots to do, and we’re gonna do it the way my brain thinks about it:


  1. Dry the ricotta. You heard me. Ricotta actually has a ton of water, and if you don’t dry it out, your lasagna won’t be goopy. It’ll be wet. Spread a good 3/4 of that big container out on a plate, and gently pat down a paper towel over it. Leave it alone for a half hour or more. Put a new one on top of the old one at some point.

  2. While the cheese dries, make the sauce:

    1. Dice the green pepper. Chuck it in olive oil in a dutch oven

    2. While the green pepper sautés, dice the giant onion. Then chuck that in there too. 

    3. While those two sauté, dice the garlic. Then chuck that in there too.

    4. Then dice up the “more garlic” from above, but really super teeny-tiny fine. Set it aside.

    5. When it looks and smells like the veggies are done, add the 3 cans of tomato stuff. All of each.

    6. Throw a fat tablespoon or so of sugar in there to cut the acidity

    7. Salt and pepper to taste

    8. Simmer for a while

  3. While the sauce simmers, brown the sausage and mix it into the sauce. Keep simmering.

  4. Oh, shit, right, the noodles. Boil water.

  5. Oh crap, the oven. 375.

  6. Back to the noodles: cook until al dente (7 or 8 minutes)

  7. Yeah, the ricotta looks dry, or should I say, the paper towel looks wet. So throw out the towels and:

    1. That garlic you cut up really fine? Fold that into the ricotta. 

    2. Those Italian Spices I told you about? Do that cup-your-hand thing and fold that much into the ricotta too. If it looks like it’s not enough, sprinkle more. Whatever. Now you have a wad of garlicy spicy ricotta

  8. Well that was intense.


Now the fun part. Get a 9x13 baking dish; greasing or Pam-ing the sides is up to you. Build:


  1. Little bit of sauce to cover the bottom

  2. Layer of noodles; cover those in sauce, cover that in mozzarella. Don’t skimp. Then sprinkle some of that crumbled parmesan over that. Like, half the shaker.

  3. Another layer of noodles, then cover those with the ricotta mixture, and cover that with more mozzarella

  4. Another layer of noodles, and cover that layer with sauce

  5. DON’T put cheese on that layer yet! Be. Patient. 

  6. Instead, cover it in foil, poke some vents in the foil, stick it in the oven for 30 minutes

  7. Putz around, think about a side dish, have a beer

  8. When the time is up, take the foil off and admire your handiwork.

  9. Cover it in mozzarella and the rest of the parmesan in the shaker

  10. Throw it back in the oven, uncovered, for 20-30 minutes

    1. Like, check it in 20. If it’s not all brown and bubbly yet, give it a couple more minutes

  11. Make a big fucking deal about bringing it to the table, and make people tell you like 5 or 6 times during the meal how much they just can’t get enough of this lasagna

  12. Make someone else clean up. You worked hard and you’re tired, and besides, you’re like the best chef now and chefs make other people clean up


It's time-consuming, but it's worth it.

Your family tearfully gazes upon your work with awe

Now for the self-absorbed blogger stuff that everyone else puts at the top, making you slog your way through their self-indulgent bullshit before you get to the part that got you there:

I love cooking. I am a Gen X-er, and thus was blessed with being a latchkey kid because my parents worked and generally trusted us at outrageously young ages to just like let yourself in a house and do your chores and homework and be totally responsible for your younger sibling and start family dinners on a hot stove with no adults around. It's a point of pride for Gen-X: being bored and left the hell alone. We are a very small generation, fully capable of just...sitting. Thinking thoughts. Wrapped in boredom. We invented stuff and got in trouble and cleaned everything up and painted-on a Disaffected Face all before our parents got home from work. All's well, why are you bothering me. Our defining song lyric from our defining band (neither of which we wanted or asked for, thank you) is "oh well. Whatever. Never mind."

But all that boredom and completely unearned trust from our Boomer parents gave us all skills. We can build. We can fix. We can cook, especially, because like I said above, family dinners were in part kind of on us. We're a self-reliant generation because we had to be.**

Add to that: my mom comes from an Italian family. We literally have family recipes, and they're better than anyone else's family recipes, and if I didn't learn how to cook them, there would be family trouble. Maybe someday I'll share with you all the outline of my family recipe for spaghetti sauce. I can't be specific, because you're not blood. But I can speak in generalities.

So all of this is the perfect storm: bored, self-reliant Gen X-er likes to cook long, time-consuming dishes because they can be left alone.

My family loves this recipe. I hope you like it too.


**don't get defensive about this statement if you're not Gen-X. It's not to say your generation isn't all of these characteristics and more. It's just characteristic of us.

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

So You Wat to Go Hiking, Volume 4

Noah's Unofficial Guide to Not Dying in the Backcountry

Trash and Poo: Your Guide to Wilderness Waste

Hi.

Come, have a seat.

Take my hand. 
I care


Let's look each other in the eye so we know we're approaching this with the sincerity of sincere people being really sincere and forthcoming.

Let's talk about a...delicate topic. 

Let's talk about pooping in the woods.

At some point, you're going to have to "get rid" of all this food you've consumed. But we're not bears. We're not deer or rabbits. We don't just dump it anywhere we want. You see: we're civilized when we poop in the wild outdoors. 

...yes
One of the basic premises of backcountry camping - for humans, anyway - is "leave no trace." It means that, to the extent possible, work to minimize your footprint. Literally. You can't be ham-handed about how you recycle your ham. But here's the thing: nobody - no matter how tough, no matter how macho, no matter how "up hill both ways barefoot in the snow" - nobody wants to be the sad sucker who's got to haul around a trash bag of gut-butter. And I see all sorts of silly shit (pun mildly intended) like the "Luggable Loo," which is really just a 5-gallon bucket with a lid, or the PETT Portable Toilet, which I feel like wouldn't support a full-grown adult. And come on folks. Whose pack gets to haul a whole 5-gallon bucket in or on it? Who's gonna be the sucker to walk around holding that PETT briefcase-of-shame?

The answer is: no one.

What is one to do when one has to poo?

Dig a hole. I'm here to tell you: it's responsible, it's minimal, and really, when you think about it, you're giving back. To nature. 

The best, tried-and-true method is called a cathole. Not caththththole. Cat-hole. When you hear about "digging latrines," that's just a long cathole so a bunch of people can poop side-by-side, nearly touching, all uncomfortable-like. Anyway, before I get too far down the group-poo rabbit hole:

Noah's Advice on Sound Cathole Practices

  1. You want to dig about 200 feet from trails and water. That's both for sanitation reasons as well as, frankly, privacy; nobody wants to actually watch that happen any more than you want to be seen. Parents with toddlers: AMIRITE??
    Don't just use any hole you see in the dirt

  2. If you've arrived at where you're base-camping or camping for the night, find that spot and dig that hole a) downwind!; and 2) before you have to do the deed, cuz there's nothing in the world like fighting a peeping turtle while straining to dig a hole in rocky clay. N...not that I've...I mean...
  3. An ideal spot, along with being downwind and 200-feet from trails and water and your site, includes a stout tree or even better, a fallen tree. So much easier to squat when you've got back support, no?
  4. Pack one of these. All these websites talking about garden trowels or tent stakes. Pfft. Get you an e-tool. Bonus: good for fending-off curious mid-poop wildlife.
  5. Dig a hole about 6-8 inches deep, and 4-6 inches wide. Like you're planting flowers.
  6. ONE CATHOLE PER PERSON PER POOP. No sharing. Pooping is a stingy business. A few yards between catholes is fine, but no multi-use holes. 
  7. CRITICAL
    I cannot stress enough the importance of pooping like a samurai. It is critical to do the deed with pants around 1 ankle and off to the side. I will detail the reasons as to why and what happens with an off-target dump if you need me to. N...not that I've...I mean...
  8. If you can, find and pack unscented, thinner-ply toilet paper. You want it to biodegrade. You don't want a badger thinking it smells like lovely flowers, digging-up your cathole, and spreading used toilet paper all over your camp. N...not that I've...I mean...
  9. When you're done, bury your business with the dirt you dug up to make the hole. Pat it down.
  10. A note on wipes and feminine hygiene products: pack those like you pack your food trash, as discussed in Volume 3. Human poo, even buried, can be both interesting but also a deterrent. But flowery-smelling things and bloody things? Irresistible.
  11. A note on smells, especially if local regulations allow for poo-burial but not paper burial: triple-ziploc that waste, and pack some baking soda to sprinkle over it to mitigate...aromatics.
  12. A note on pee: you don't need to dig a cathole to pee, boy or girl. Try to pee on dirt, and not on vegetation. Only reason: it protects plants. Animals want to chew on salty things. Take that as you will.
There. That wasn't so bad. I feel like we really covered a lot, got a lot done, came to understand how it's safe for us to talk about personal things together.

Now, the easier topic: trash!

You know the old commercial, with the silent tears

Here's where "leave no trace" really shines. Challenge yourself to pack trash-making things (like food; again, see Volume 3) that would be rather minimal in nature. You don't want to haul around a 20-gallon kitchen-sized trash bag because 1) that means you're packing stuff that's in some serious packaging; and ii) space! Your pack is finite. Like I said in a previous post, 4 of us over nearly 3 days produced 1 single gallon-sized ziploc of waste. Not bad. 
Osprey is good, but not THAT good

During the day, who cares if you and your pack smell like an open-air wedding reception buffet in a rose garden. Wildlife isn't just gonna walk up and be like "how are the chicken sate' bites and may I have a crab cake?" Instead, what these thieves and burglars do is  wait until you're asleep to ransack your packs and tents. So anything that smells - anything -  needs to get smell-proofed. Don't think that just cuz it's in a ziploc with the air all mushed-out and double-bagged that it's smell-proof. It's not. Animals really want to put their faces in your leftovers. And toothpaste. And deodorant. And bagged toilet paper for the can't-bury-it places. Animals are gross.

Noah's Advice on Sound Trash Practices

  1. Buy a high-quality waterproof, scent-proof "dry bag" like this
  2. Bag each smelly thing you own in different ziplocs: toiletries, trash, other scented stuff. Please don't pack your toothbrush in with the used tissue. If you're packing dehydrated hiker food you haven't opened yet, toss those in the dry bag; no need to bag those bags
  3. Seal the dry bag. This is important. 
  4. Make the dry bag hard to get to; i.e. hang it. Watch that video at the link. Read my Facebook Post about how I screwed this method up once. ONCE.
  5. Not a possibility (like you can't hang a bag because there are no trees)? Buy a bear canister and repeat steps 1-3. As for step 4, put it about 100 - 200  feet from where you're sleeping. It defeats the purpose if you put a bear canister in your tent. Then you just have a pissed-off and hungry bear ransacking your stuff inside your tent while you're trying to sleep and bears take up a lot of room. 1/10, don't recommend.
Do this for places where bears aren't. Do this for places where bears are. Always look for state and federal guidance about bear-proofing, because in some places it's an absolute requirement (like in my lovely state, the Porcupine Mountains and Pictured Rocks require bear-proofing). But it's always good practice, because storing trash and smelly stuff in your packs and tents and hammocks is a good way, even in the total absence of bears, to get your packs ripped to shreds by mice, raccoons, chipmunks, and wandering space aliens looking for samples. Whodini was right: the freaks really do come out at night.

And don't be That Guy who sleeps with a sneaky midnight snack. Unless you like to share it with a hundred furry friends.

Look at you, almost ready to hit the trail!

Next up in Volume 5: FASHION!